31 May, 2022Strategies for Building Self Confidence
“With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.” – Dalai Lama
Self-confidence is an immensely powerful word or feeling. Having a fair amount of confidence can lead one to a very promising future, but a lack of it can make one’s life miserable and full of regrets. Low self-esteem leads to missed opportunities to make life better.
Are you one of those people who scurry away at the slightest chance to show and use your abilities just because you feel inferior? Do you want to be like that forever or would you rather be one of those who have defied their predicament and now have an amazing life?
If you are struggling with this dilemma, then this episode is for you. Discover how you can confidently take hold of a remarkable future.
✅ We have the right to be confident.
✅ Confidence is the ability to intensely trust yourself to do things and believe in the future you want to create.
✅ Challenging experiences change people.
✅ Reinvent yourself:
- Look inside yourself nonjudgmentally.
- Recognize where you are, realize your potential, and decide your future.
- Create a new narrative or identity
- Get in the game.
- Be passionate.
✍🏼 12:04 Russell Brand talks about confidence
✍🏼 15:05 Brené Brown on the narratives that we tell ourselves
✍🏼 18:52 Tony Robbin’s view on confidence and in making a decision
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About Pete Cohen: Pete Cohen is one of the world’s leading life coaches and keynote speakers. Hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world have been motivated and inspired by Pete’s presentations. He has professionally impacted the lives of thousands of people worldwide, including business executives, professional athletes, and everyday people. Pete focuses on the importance of closing the gap in our lives between where we are and where we want to be, both personally and professionally.
It’s then all about coaching you to remove the obstacles that are in your way and helping you install the habits of success.
Pete is the author of 20 published books, several of which have been best-sellers across the world, including Shut the Duck Up, Habit Busting, Life DIY, and Sort Your Life Out. He has also presented his own show on TV called The Coach and was the resident Life Coach on GMTV for 12 years.
Pete Cohen 0:00
Happy, beautiful, amazing day it is Pete Cohen, it is the Future Self Podcast. Today we're talking about powerful strategies to increase your Self Confidence I will see you after the theme tune
Pete Cohen 0:41
Greetings thank you so much. The greater things that are stuck inside my head love this music, the great things that are stuck inside my head. Happy, beautiful day. Thank you so much for joining me for the podcast, we are talking all things. Confidence. This is a very interesting subject. And it seems to be a subject which really captures people's imagination. But I think first off, we really kind of need to have a look at what confidence actually is. And by the way, we're going to be joined by some special guests. We've got Brene Brown in the studio, what not really on the studio, we've got Russell Brand, comedian, and lots of other things. Who else we've got Tony Robbins Wow, Tony Robbins is in the house. We're going to be talking all things confidence. So I'm excited. The question is, are you excited? Because how many of you would actually think that how we feel is actually a choice? how we feel? Is it a choice? Do we choose how we feel? I would like to think so I never used to think so I used to think that the way I felt was just the way I felt and it wasn't too much I could actually do about it. I actually remember being really young playing football on Hampstead Heath. And actually thinking to myself, there was nothing I could do to change the way I was I actually remember this, it was probably seven or eight years old. And I thought what was going on inside my head was what was going on inside my head. And I don't know what life was like for you when you were that age. But definitely for me, I was extremely self confident. Now I wasn't I was not confident at all. I really really wasn't confident I was very What's the opposite of not confident, I suppose insecure would probably be a better word massively insecure about who I was. But was there a time when I was really confident before all of that? Well, let's just be honest. Confidence is a word. Right? So when you were born, you know, did you know what self confidence was? No, of course you didn't when you were born. This is a bit deep, by the way. But I love to give people a different perspective, verbatim of everything we know that people don't change when we tell them what to do, right? We know that people change when their perspective changes. But often our biggest perception or perspective shifts happen through experience. And it's often the experiences that are most challenging. That gives us a shift in perspective. So how many times in your life? Have you been through something, and it was difficult, but on the back of going through it, you now look at life differently. And maybe your life is better because of it, you have a deeper understanding you've gained something. You see, ultimately, confidence is a word. You know, what does it mean? Where does the word come from? It comes from like many words that comes from Latin con, a Fidel Ray, which actually means intense trust. That's what it means trust, intense trust. I think that's kind of cool, don't you that to know that's what it means. But ultimately, what it means is what it means to you. The whole Future Self podcast, what we're all about was we're not here to preach. We're not here to tell anyone, this is the way to sort your life out, you know, even though I wrote a book called sort your life out. It's really about giving people the opportunity to look at things differently. And then through looking through at things differently, then maybe realizing what maybe I could act differently. So rather than being driven by pain and suffering, being driven also by the possibilities that exist, so we know that confidence really means intense trust. Do you trust yourself? I'll never forget my coach said something, something to me many years ago when he was alive. And I was really really I didn't like what he said I have to tell you. This is what he said. He said, You should never trust anybody And I remember thinking to myself, well, you should never trust anyone. What do you mean? He said, when you look at the human experience, what you see is human beings have this incredible habit of letting themselves down. So if someone lets themselves down, guess what? They're going to let you down.
Pete Cohen 5:26
So just let people be who they are. And this is the fascinating thing, because when we're looking at strategies to build confidence, the first strategy is, let's take a different look at confidence. And understand that maybe how you have felt in your life has been affected by what other people have done and said, that maybe now is the time to look at the world differently and realize that's a really good point P, I'm not going to, I'm not going to trust other people, I'm going to let people be who they are. I mean, what a wonderful thing to do. For the human race. Obviously, some examples excluded here. But as long as people aren't doing harm to others, I mean, people often do harm to themselves. And this is the really interesting thing. So there have been many times in your life, how many times in your life has someone said they were going to do something for you, or they did something that didn't fit into your model of the world, and you trusted them. And you were the one who got hurt, so much so that it wounded you about making different decisions in the future, and you were cautious. It's really fascinating. My first strategy for you is for you to look inside yourself. Because how many times in your life, have you said, you were going to do something and you didn't do it, you trusted yourself, you said, I'm going to do this and you didn't do it. The most fascinating thing about this is that your brain remembers every single time, every single time. You've said you were going to do something, and you didn't do it. Thanks for listening to scuze me that wasn't supposed to play at that point. The point I wanted to play it was I think it was greater things that are stuck inside my head when we look at what stuck inside our head, even just for that moment, I had a moment of self consciousness I, I started to doubt myself there just for a moment. And we all know that part of the success narrative that is needed is becoming aware of the narrative. So let's just go back a few steps. We know what confidence is, right? We know that confidence is your ability to trust yourself trusting others, well, if you want to keep doing it, but that could be a recipe for disaster. Let people be who they are. Learn to go inside, look at yourself. Look at the experience of being you. How different would your life actually be? How different would your life be? If you did what you said you were going to do? Now, of course, there's some issues around this because often people set such high expectations that they set themselves up for failure and success. But when we look at another see another powerful C word, it's the curiosity of self to look at oneself, and to look at oneself with a fresh pair of eyes and to realize, look, you've just done the best that you can with what you have. But maybe now, with knowing differently, you might act differently. And what would happen in your life, if you set yourself up by doing what you said, you were going to do? Look for those of you that have children, have you ever said to a child, look, we're going to do this. And the child remembers, you forgot that you didn't forget because your brain remembers our brain remembers every single time in the past. That's why when we decide to do something different, like we maybe you've done it before, like you wanted to lose weight or you've started to learn something or you've gone on a course, there's a part of your brain that is going What are you doing this for, there's no point doing that you don't complete, you're not a Completer. So don't don't start. That's why we launched start one stock one. That's why we changed the name of our podcast to the Future Self podcast, because we want to help people be confident about who they're becoming. So we know what a competence is. It's intense trust. There are two types of competence. This is how I look at it, there is confidence in your ability to do what you say you're going to do. Right? It's a simple thing. It's a very simple thing to say. It's a very simple thing to do. But it's also a very simple thing not to do. It's fascinating, right? That that's the first type of confidence. The second type of confidence is confidence in your future.
Pete Cohen 9:44
confidence that you could build something, create something. Now you could just think about that. You could go into a room and just see it's in a mess and you think well, I'm going to tidy this up but you could be confident that you could complete that. But we talk about this a lot and that's why this podcast is so important that we wake people up to the reality that it's very hard for us to be confident about ourselves in the future if we don't know who that person actually is. And we talk about this a lot. And just because we've said it a few times, we need to say it again, maybe this is the first time we've ever listened to the podcast. But we know that human beings, everything we do is driven by our future. Of course, we are affected by our past. And that's why it's great for that level of awareness to look at yourself, and maybe talk to other people about the experience of being you. I mean, you've made it to this point in your life. And that's an amazing achievement in itself. But what do you want to do with where you are right now? I think the greatest confidence comes by your relationship to your future. And we know this that most people's future but the way they see it doesn't go very far. So if I said to you, where are you going to be tonight, you probably have an idea how many of you when you were younger, you There were parties, there were things that you were always doing, and you you got excited, I used to think about this about sport, when I used to play sport, even golf, which I haven't played for a while, I'd get excited about it, I'd go to bed thinking about it. And I'd wake up in the morning, and there was something I really, really wanted to do. And that was the same with sex, drugs and alcohol, it was the same thing was excited about what was in front of me immediate a day, a week, a month, a holiday. But beyond that, we know that most people do not have a compelling relationship with the person that they could be in the future. And if you don't have empathy with that person, because you don't know that person, it's hard. It's really I mean, life is hard enough as it is. But there are some simple things that we can all do, that can radically change our life. And we say this a lot in our business, that a great life, it doesn't happen by chance, it happens by design. Now, I said at the beginning of the podcast, I've got a couple of guests with me here, I want to just take a tangent here. And I want you to listen to a comedian, Russell Brand. Let's listen to what he says about confidence.
Russell Brand 12:04
People always think that I'm confident because I'm a professional show off. But I'm actually quite shy in what you might call normal social situations, because I'm a professional performer. And I've been performing since I was 15. And doing stand up comedy since in my early 20s. And so it's more than half my life constantly showing off have developed a series of persona that are quite good. But I would say confidence is the sense that you have enough are enough on your own and don't require things that you won't be able to get externally IE, let's say you think well, I know I do need the support of other people, but I'm happy that I'll get them I know I do need a job, I'm happy, I'll get a job or whatever, you don't feel like that you're constantly at a loss.
Pete Cohen 12:51
And that's the challenge, right? This is again, another massive strategy to realize that everything you have is everything you need to not feel that in lack or not good enough. Because the game that most people are playing in life, and most of us have been subjected to this is that almost like the world is giving us some very clear messages that we are not good enough. And in order to feel enough, you need certain things, you need a relationship, you need a certain amount of money, you need status, you need X amount of followers, and that puts people into a space of lack. And having often, you know, having spoken all over the world, about human behavior for years, I know that when you talk about this, a lot of people immediately start feeling that like always got a good point, I'm not enough. At this. It's a joke. The joke is on all of us if we think that way, because then we're coming from a position of weakness, rather than coming from a position of you are exactly where you need to be right now. And this is a great place to be. It might not be where you want to be. But it's where you want to be. Let's go let's do something. Let's change the narrative. So there's another powerful strategy around confidence, which is to recognize I am where I am, I've got exactly what I need. I love the fact that Russell Brand speaks so openly and candidly around that, because I worked in the world of show business for years, I've met him. And you can tell a lot of people just put on an act. In fact, one of the programs that I was asked to be involved in right at the beginning when it started was big brother in the UK, which is one of the things that's how Russell Brand became famous from that TV program from presenting a spin off program about it. And you see this facade that people put on, you see people in the Big Brother house, they put on this facade, and after a few days or a few weeks of being there, they can't they can't be that person anymore. They've got to be themselves. And to be yourself I would say all starts off looking in the mirror and looking at yourself and smiling and go hey, how are you? I'm realizing you have what you have. And this is it. If you come from a place of lack, you're in you're in trouble. But you don't just have to listen to Russell Brand and I just happen to listen to me. I want you to start take a moment here to listen to Brene Brown and listen to what she says about the narratives that we tell ourselves.
Brené Brown 15:06
Men and women who have the greatest capacity for Rising Strong. In the moment something happens. They hack into that neurobiological process of making up a story. They stop and say, Wait a minute, what's actually going on here? What is what am I feeling? What do I know? For sure? Because what is, you know, what is a story? There's a name and research for a story that has one or two limited data points. And we fill in the rest with fear. Wow, it's called a conspiracy
Pete Cohen 15:39
is fascinating, right? The conspiracy, that there's a conspiracy going on. And what's the conspiracy, we are conspiring to tell ourselves the same story that we have told ourselves, it's so important to get your head around this, we talk about this a lot. And I'm sure you can understand why we've decided to really devote ourselves in our business and our coaching business, to help people create a new narrative to help people get traction, to help people reinvent themselves to create a new identity. The word identity means the state of being the same. That's what it means. And and most people think they are, who they are. And every time they go into a certain situation, so let's say you went into a room full of people, and you didn't know those people. There's a part of your brain that goes, What is this experience, and it will run that program, and it will run the narrative, it will run the dialogue, and then the dialogue will run the emotion. And then you wonder why you feel lack of self confidence. This is what happens to children. When we say to children, he's really shy, or she's really shy. They're not shy, they're just sensitive. You know, you're big, and they're small, and they just want to check it all out. And then they get labeled. And many of us have labeled ourselves, this is who I am. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not who you are. That is who you have learned to be, you are more than what you have learned to be. This is my personality. That's not your personality, your personality is who you were choosing to become. And who are you choosing to become probably exactly who you are right now. And that's why most people today are living a future that they don't want. And if that's you just say, That's me, you're right, you are right pay. And I knew that for years, but I was living a lie. I had no idea. I was a fraud in what I was doing. Because I wouldn't be working with people talking about their future self. I didn't know who my future self was. I was running away. I was running away. I'm lucky. I'm an enthusiastic, excited person. But what was I running away from running away from the idea that I wasn't good enough. But where was I running to? God knows. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know who I was becoming. But now I know who I'm becoming as built a relationship with that person. What about you, I'm so passionate about who I'm becoming. And this is what we see with more and more of the people that we coach with seeing people and I when I leave messages for them. And in a Facebook group we have often say to them, I love who you're becoming. That doesn't mean that you're not good enough who you are right now at this. You are amazing. But you're becoming more, because you want to give more you want to grow more. So let's just go back a step. What is confidence? Competence is your ability to trust yourself. Confidence is your ability to do what you say you're going to do. Confidence is your ability to believe in the future that you want to create. It's fascinating. I just want us to hear from one more person, someone who massively inspired me, I want you to just take a moment here just to listen to what Tony Robbins says about confidence. Check this out.
Tony Robbins 18:54
If you find your passion, you're going to have this tremendous energy of sustainable energy. But momentum requires you always do the next thing to keep the momentum going. And the reason you get yourself in a passionate place is so that you change your life and the only thing that changes your life is making a decision. So while you're in this passionate state, that's where you make decisions. You don't make decisions when you're like, I don't know what do you think? All right, let's decide. If you make a decision. In a state without momentum. If you make a decision from a place where there's no passion, you are not going to get momentum, it'll kill momentum. It's Decide, commit and resolve. Some of you in the past, you've gotten momentum, you've gotten passionate, you've even made a decision. But a decision is the first step decision is like a war. I gotta do this or that all right, I'm gonna make my Do this. But commitment is when you nail after you've decided you commit to do this for the long term, whether it's hard or easy doesn't matter.
Pete Cohen 20:10
So, you know, there's so much in there. You know, when I left university, I was a bit confused, you know, I'd studied psychology, I didn't feel really equipped for anything. And it was only through studying to read some personal development, that you see this kind of prac idemia, the academia really didn't fit for me, but the prac idemia, of being able to take an idea of something practical, and bring it to life, I started to practice a lot of what I was hearing. And if you hear what Tony Robbins was saying, it's really important. I mean, it's so important to understand that you got to get in the game, you got to change your state. Because if you don't change your state, you're going to be a victim to everything outside. And I think that's what is wrong with the world. For so many people, they're looking for the world, to give them something, rather than what can you give the world by changing yourself internally. I mean, it sounds so obvious. But I don't know about you, I was looking for validation. Because if you don't, if you live in lack, you're looking for something else. To give you a sense of something. I had this for years when I was famous on TV being recognized being watched by millions of people. And when I'd be recognized, and people come up to me asked me for my autograph, it was a bit bizarre, to be honest. And it felt quite nice in some weird way. But it didn't make a real difference to how I felt about myself to be confident about who I am to believe in myself. And that's the greatest adventure, right? The greatest adventure, to be passionate and to go out there and decide who you're going to become, and the difference that you want to make on this earth. And that all starts with stopping first. Everything I'm saying here, it actually requires let's just stop for a moment. And let's be curious about who we are and how we feel about where we are right now. And realize that we can change our state and most of the things we can do to change our state to build more competence. We don't necessarily need anyone else to help us with that, like moving our body, we know that when we move our body, I mean, I was reading yesterday, alarming statistics about scientists have worked out that people that do less than a certain amount of daily steps every single day are more prone to depression, and anxiety. I think it's about 5649. Right? And then the daily and the average mat steps that people take every single day is like 4900. So most people around the world are not moving enough. And it's fascinating that the human body is driven by movement. Life is Mo Salah Tony Robbins is motion. And I'm going to ask you how many of you right now you want to build your confidence. And one of the greatest ways to build your confidence definitely is to do what you say you're going to do. That is why we launched start one stop one. And this is going to be one of the biggest challenges, most successful challenges that the world has ever seen in terms of behavioral change. Because what we're doing is helping people identify with that with the future they want to have. And it's not necessarily the things they want to have, it's who they actually want to be knowing who that person is, accepting that there already is a relationship to the future, but just pushing it out a little bit further. So you can see that if you did this today, and you did it tomorrow, and you did it the next day, you know that it's going to be a big reward for you. It changes the game. Because otherwise, if you don't have that relationship, why exercise? Why meditate? Why keep a journal, a gratitude journal? Why do those 10,000 hours of whatever it is, if you want to be a master at something, and by the way, I don't think it takes 10,000 hours it takes us it takes a decision. I just want to get better. Because I think deep down that's what all human beings want to do. They just want to get better. And what do you want to get better at? That's a great conversation to have, right? What are the areas in your life, you want to get better, you want to be better with your health and your energy? Can you not see how much easier that would be if you see where it was going. And what we've done is we've created the technology we've got we've gamified all of this. We've gamified it so you can identify with that you pick that one thing that you want to stop doing, right, which maybe is procrastinating about exercising, and the one thing you want to start doing which is maybe it's walking 6000 steps a day? What if you did that every single day that started that stop? And we gave you coins every time you did it, we gave you a coin? That's capital. The greatest investment is in the investment in the person that you want to be Wow, isn't that fascinating? Do you not find that just like what that's one of the most fascinating things you've ever heard? Just to see it and then to realize that you're getting rewarded for this and we've been testing this and we've been getting amazing results for people who have gone above and beyond anything they would have done before. The time is most definitely come for all of us to wake up to the fact that we can be competent. It is your birthright to be competent and confident. Oh come on guys. What's wrong? Let's stand up. Let's be confident.
Pete Cohen 25:11
Oh yeah. What's wrong? It's your birthright to feel good about who you are, who you're becoming. I believe in you. The greatest thing ever is the reinvention of you.
Pete Cohen 25:40
We're all complicated.
Pete Cohen 25:53
Yeah. What's wrong with being confident? You can be confident for no reason at all. You don't need anything apart from yourself. So what is the strategy? What is the strategies to becoming more confident? It's really up to you, maybe you could now start to do more of what you say you're going to do. Maybe you can start believing in the future that you want to have. But this is about momentum. And momentum comes from keeping momentum, an object in motion, we know it stays in motion. You're so you're bad. I want to thank you for listening to the podcast. Guys. Do me a favor with this. Share it get it out there is so important. I tell everyone I meet about my podcast, you know, when someone phones them up to try and sell me something, or there's something I just say, hey, excuse me. Can I ask you a question? Yep. Do you listen to podcasts? Because I'm super bad.
Pete Cohen 26:52
So please take a few moments and think to yourself, what, what what's your biggest takeaway from what you've just heard? And what are you going to do right now, on the back of listening to this podcast? I want to thank you so much. I appreciate every single one of you. Let's do this. Not now. But right now.