23 Jan, 2024It’s Not Where You Are. It’s Who You Are – Part 9
“Plant seeds of happiness, hope, success, and love; it will come back to you in abundance, this is the law of nature.” – Steve Maraboli
“Love makes the world go round,” this is a song that musicians like Deon Jackson, Bob Merrill, Jennifer Lopez, and others have used for their original creations, each one demonstrating the fact that love is indeed a powerful force.
It has the strength to push us forward and bind us together, but lack of it can break us and leave us lost in darkness. However, it is not enough to simply love those around us, for the magic lies in achieving the balance between loving oneself and loving others.
This is what today’s episode is all about, the ninth part of a series of podcasts with the theme of Where You Are Is Not Who You Are. This is an important subject that continues to grow as we delve deeper into it.
We invite you to be part of our conversations. We want to help and guide you on your own epic adventure – your journey within.
It is now time to move from where you are and find the essence of the real you.
Let love shine through you.
Be the giver of hope.
⚡️ Life is about becoming through overcoming.
⚡️ We have a choice between trying to make things happen and letting them happen.
⚡️ Being intentional is a better way to move through the world.
⚡️ There is hope for reconstruction amidst the debris and devastation.
⚡️ There is always an opportunity to become more than where you were.
⚡️ We receive, exchange, and sow seeds of love.
🎯 6:13 The impact the series has made.
🎯 7:48 The new essence of who I am.
🎯 9:32 The orphans in Africa.
🎯 10:18 Being the author of my own destiny.
🎯 15:17 Feeding off the richness of love.
🎯 21:08 RESL – Receive, exchange, sowing seeds of love.
Send us a message and tell us what is your biggest takeaway about this episode. 👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼
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About Pete Cohen: Pete Cohen is one of the world’s leading life coaches and keynote speakers. Hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world have been motivated and inspired by Pete’s presentations. He has professionally impacted the lives of thousands of people worldwide, including business executives, professional athletes, and everyday people. Pete focuses on the importance of closing the gap in our lives between where we are and where we want to be, both personally and professionally.
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Pete is the author of 20 published books, several of which have been best-sellers across the world, including Shut the Duck Up, Habit Busting, Life DIY, and Sort Your Life Out. He has also presented his own show on TV called The Coach and was the resident Life Coach on GMTV for 12 years.
Happy beautiful day. It is Pete Cohen and Dr. Ray. It is the Mi365 podcast. Today's episode is the ninth in a series called Where You Are, Isn't Who You Are? Now, we've had a little bit of a break since the eighth episode. We had this thing called Christmas and the New Year, but we came back together today and we had a real deep conversation around what we've been talking about.
about. For me, in my work as the People's Coach, the thing I'm interested in more than anything is the potential that people have, the potential that we have to overcome what has been in our lives,
and for us to have a profound sense of who we are and what we can do. And I'm so pleased that we've been able to continue these conversations and we invite you to get involved.
We invite you to go on that great journey, the journey within. And I'm super excited to share this conversation with you. I will see you with Dr.
Ray after the theme tune.
Happy beautiful day.
Ray, good to, I can see you and I know our listeners can hear us. How are you, my friend? - I am well. I know it's been, it seems like a while. You've been on a bit of a journey.
you know, across Asia and then back to England quickly and then to Africa. So, you know, how's that been? You must, you must, jet lag must be an understatement now.
Well, you know, one of the things we talk a lot about in this series of podcasts we've been doing about it's not where you are, isn't who you are. I think I couldn't have thought of a better kind of experience to really bring that to the fore,
being in Hong Kong and Macau. Macau which is incredibly rich and affluent and then going to Africa completely the opposite. It just came at the right time and this is one of the things that I've really woken up to that maybe the world is kind of conspiring to help me and test me at the same time and I'm excited that we get to revisit this of this whole this beautiful work that we're doing and I know some in
people are enjoying again reiterating it where you are isn't who you are this is the 10th or the ninth podcast we've done in this series or 10th if you include the one I put out last week which was just me speaking and I know Dr.
Ray that was one of the things that you've listened to a couple of times and you said look let's let's talk about some of the things that you've said but also for our listeners before we get stuck into that I know that you've also had a pretty interesting and beautiful time over the festive period with your parents coming to stay with you and you know you've been extremely busy but I think now is the time the best
time for us to come back together and start this this incredible work which I believe is the greatest work of my life so you asked me how am I I feel just more ready than I've ever been I've been humbled by what I've seen and I'm just in a I'm in great shape I'm in such good shape right now so yeah what about you yeah as you said I've had just incredibly special time with my parents who were over they actually
arrived on boxing day and my eldest daughter it was her birthday she she was 15 on that day and that was special.
She and I and my other daughter went to pick her up, brought her back and my wife and two boys were prepping the house and we just had a great time and yeah,
it's probably what I've noticed Pete is where you are was I'm rekindled, reconnected in a literal physical sense. with my parents around me,
food, time, conversation, games, all sorts of things. And when they've left, I've recognised, because we have to recognise in ourselves, that there's an adjustment back to functioning without that degree of comfort that's come from such an early age.
And I think anyone listening, if you've been blessed with... with loving relationships, but they're not close at the moment, they may as Pete's case, someone has passed, then there is an adjustment to proximity,
but proximity shouldn't be the absolute end all of a relationship. And I would imagine Pete that Hannah will live in your heart forever.
Yeah, it's just about you managing that narrative. with the ups and downs. For those, I mean, if this is your first podcast that you've listened to,
you won't know. If you have been listening to the podcast, you'll definitely know that in May last year, my wife passed away and Ray has been on this journey with me. And it's been really interesting to really look at the essence of who I am at my core.
And perhaps this is a conversation for for another day. I feel I know your parents, Ray, through how you speak about them and the person that you are, what impact they've had on who you are today,
and your ability to deal with where you are. I mean, my parents have helped me massively with that, and they've both passed on. But look, one thing we're doing today is this podcast will be no more than 28 minutes,
which is 2 % of your day. And we've already spent a few minutes talking. And before we, Ray, start talking about some of the things I said in the previous podcast, I'd like to ask you a question, actually, which just came to mind,
which is what impact has this had on you in terms of this work around where you are, isn't who you are? I know that you've been talking about this for a long time, long before we met.
But I wonder, since you and I have come together and we've been talking about this and other people are listening to this all over the world. world. What impact has this had on you? So that's a great question and I think you're right,
it's an idea, a theme I've used for many years, but when we got to know each other, specific to your situation, it became one of the most profound examples for me and I've worked with individuals in lots of different contexts,
even people with health challenges, but but I think just the point at which we met Pete, and you might be able to speak to this in a minute, we went through a season where we were having an engagement in a conversation where you'd already gone through immeasurable uncertainty and you had forged ahead,
found the solution, and that extended Hannah's life easily, eight years plus. plus. And that's when I met you and then discovering that the cancer had come back and then going to try and find solutions.
I've witnessed you and that journey and this theme that I've used, which yes, obviously had some relevance, went into overdrive. So for me personally, its application is key because we can often talk about principles,
but I think what we both both discussed in a podcast We want it to be applicable to individuals and yourself as a people's coach By definition, no one's interested in abstract theorem.
They want to know how does what does this mean to me today? So they might say well Pete how you keeping it all together when you've gone through loss And this is what we're talking about.
Well, you're actually saying Where I am is yes, I'm a widower widower where I am I've got pain where I am I have tough times but who I am what I'm called to do what energizes me what I'm thankful about there's still work to be done yeah I've had the pleasure of witnessing you find this new gear this new energy and actually it's created new opportunities for you that you probably didn't believe would have been there
yeah but just by by the attitude and what you're sharing with people is triggering real positive responses from people because there's a need for this, not to be defined by a circumstances,
yet the world tells us no, it's all about a circumstances, that's all that counts. You know Ray, I just had some very weird bodily sensations when you were saying that,
just this like uprising within myself and I'm very grateful. because you've made me or you've supported me in looking at the work I've been doing around future self and just gone back to it and looked at it with this new essence of who I am.
And I'm invigorated by it all. And I really realized I was missing out on something really key that I wasn't really emphasizing, which is discovering yourself is something that is already there.
there, you know, it's within you. That's how I look at it. And that might not be applicable to everyone. But, you know, where you are is exactly where you are, you know, and that's a great starting point.
There's so much around that. And having just come back from Africa, where you see these children, you know, 101 children, orphans, you see, or I saw,
where they are. But listening very intently to their stories, you realize... and I was so, I was so in awe of how many of them at a very young age found something in themselves to get out of situations.
Many of them got out, "This is not right. I am being, this is not a good situation for me. I should not be be treated like this. I'm out." And to leave that, you just think,
"Wow, look at this incredible spirit that humans have." But let's, and then thank you for, because what you've in essence done for me is just sharpened my focus around what's really important and just helped me look at things with a fresh pair of eyes.
And I am in such a good place at the moment. So thank you for that. But let's talk about the podcast that I did. It went out last week. It was just me speaking. I was reflecting on where I am right now and who I am.
And I'd love to pick up on some of the points that you picked out. out. Yeah there was a bit in there and what I want to do and take these opportunities to say that Pete and I complement each other that doesn't mean by any definition we're the same because we've had different journeys and we interpret the world perhaps and what we see in different ways and that's one of our things you don't have to agree with
someone 100 % to love and respect a person, but to do that takes effort. You have to have a degree of empathy and openness. And I listen to your podcast,
Pete, and there are a couple of things, and you've been very open all the time. My faith is important to me. So what I wanted to start with is you talked about your, I believe,
you know, the author of your own destiny. And to a certain extent, I do believe that in a physical sense. but we often talk about the metaphysical space, some people call it the spiritual space,
that very hard to measure space about triggers that motivate you beyond what I would call those physical triggers.
So there's been lots of psychological experiments. We don't need to go into them about how you can train people to be motivated by a light coming on. and you know I don't want to go into that because animals have been used in all of those sometimes and not in the health well you've said it then okay I'm sorry I'm sorry you know it was just that we live in a different time now and those kind of experiments probably
wouldn't be accepted in the same way but they did provide you know the notion that and they've done it with humans as well to the point where people would allow people to, you know,
go through physical pain because their interpretation of the scenario was different. And I wanted to explore that point about authorship, you know, you're in control of your future self.
Because I agree with it in part, but I thought it would be good for us. And as our listeners are listening to this, if we're telling them not to be defined by their circumstance, but that is such a significant part.
of where they are, that I don't want anyone to beat themselves up and call themselves a failure because their circumstance is really getting them down. And I would imagine that of those 101 delightful children who happen to be where they are,
orphans, that they're all in different stages of that. There'll be those that have been able to adjust. and they've got a flexibility to their psychological and emotional response to their situation.
And there are the others that are much more challenged. And I think in our conversations, we've noticed that people are looking at your situation and thinking, wow, Pete's doing really well because there's this poll of expectation that whether you should be in a corner feeling,
sorry for yourself, you're kind of at the other end. And that's sometimes makes people feel uncomfortable. How can a recent widower have all this energy? It's counter -cultural.
So you've decided to author a different narrative, but has that been easy? - No, I suppose it depends what you would classify as easy.
No, it hasn't, it hasn't. Of course it hasn't because, you know, some of the emotion has been very raw. raw, but it's been a lot easier when I've had the support of some amazing people, of you being one of them,
but also knowing that there's a couple of things, one of them, knowing I'm being supported, knowing what my wife wanted, and her motto was just get on with it. She would want me nothing more than to remember her in a beautiful way and to get on with my life.
And the fact that, that to me, I've said this before, before, Ray, and I'm loving the conversation around life to me isn't about becoming, it's about becoming through overcoming.
So this is something I'm really enjoying. But I also really enjoy where you come from with this, because it opens my eyes to things.
And it also opens up my mind to there are things that are outside of my control. that are there to help and support me and Whether you come from a from this from a from a Christian perspective or you come from it from any other perspective It's a beautiful conversation to have that what can you control and what can you let happen as a result of Being intentional and I want to hear more of this from you because I
love it. I really enjoy it So you've got me scribbling away here as you often do. And we can discuss this,
we can discuss it as another time. But what I've seen here is if we think about time, time is a commodity that none of us can hold on to. None of us can keep. So a good steward of time tends to be someone that generally research suggests is happier.
but it's also at the same time one of the most difficult things to do when you act in psychological, emotional aspects because the process of thinking, feeling and then subsequently doing your behavior can really have an impact on you on all levels.
But you've just said something there. You mentioned Hannah, so you could call that past love legacy. And what you're doing is in your current tense. is living and feeding off of the richness of that past.
And then in the present, you have love, which is less because I think this is what I'm saying, you obviously gave love to Hannah, but where you are now, and I'm looking at this,
you're receiving constantly that flow of her attitude into you, what she fed into you. In the present, you have what I would call love exchange. we have that, we're talking and supporting each other.
But then it brings me back to this space you've talked about future self. Interesting for me, as I look at the logic of this, your future self requires you to invest lovingly into your future.
It's that notion we spoke earlier about the compound interest on seeding love and engagement. and things. So I wondered how that sounded to you that you've got this legacy, which is trying to extrapolate the love from your mum,
your dad, Hannah, significant people, using that in the current tense and exchanging it with others and growing, but then having this hopeful, optimistic,
gratitude -based perspective of the future. And now you're giving love into the future, but you don't know exactly what you're where it's going but that's the mechanism so it's receiving,
exchanging and giving. I don't know how that sounds I've just made it out as we talked about. Well again I just had so many goosebumps going through me because two things the first thing that came to mind is nothing ever dies,
nothing dies it lives on. So that was the first thing. So the people that have poured into me they might not be here physically, but I believe that they're still with me,
and it dies and it's with me. So how could I not be stronger? I know that's a choice, which is a fascinating element of humans that, you know, we have this dignity of choice,
but it's a beautiful choice to make. It's, yeah, that was the first thing. But the second thing that came to mind from what you said is that if you sow the seeds, let nature do its bit.
Just don't, you can't, you can't get in the ground and force the seeds to grow. You've got to let it happen. And I think we are a part of nature. We are. We, you know, how that works.
I mean, you could probably, you would give, I would imagine, through your faith and maybe other ways, be able to explain that in a way that would help people.
people have a better understanding of don't worry about the things that you cannot control you often say that beautiful quote around that be sure of the things that you that you hope for and certain what you cannot see yeah and I think it's a it's a magical way but it's a fascinating thing to kind of let go you have to let go of stuff I think if you really want to embrace that what's your thoughts on that Well
you've triggered me into something extended from there. From a biblical point of view there's this fascinating relationship and I'm going to try and make it so that it's in layman's terms but the metaphysical realm God is represented by the vine.
So he's the source, he's the root system of who we are for those in faith. And then it talks about about the fact that we are branches. So this is the bit I love.
The branch exists for a function and that's to bear fruit. The fruit is for other people. So our job is to give that fruit away. If we hold onto it,
it gets rotten. If we think it's us, but everything we have is to be given away. So the vine is our supply source. So when I look at the parallel here, I look at it and perhaps that.
that you know subconsciously was it you're part of your your vine system for you is the love you've received from your mum your dad and Hannah you are the branch so you're exchanging love with others and that includes your past but that's helping you to create fruit and that fruit is what I believe is energizing you right now to go out into the world around the world many areas I mean this it's been incredible.
And I think that's part of this, that that won't stop the momentum and the demand for you at the moment is incredible. But there were times not that long ago, people, you were asking me, what does the future look like?
Will there be any opportunities to work? Yeah, and that's about trying to make things happen, which is something I've done rather than just, you know, let it happen,
which again, I don't think you have, I think that you have to choose which one of those you do. You know, and I've seen you do that.
I've met all the people I've ever met who exemplify that of I'm just gonna, I'm gonna have faith. You know, I'm gonna have faith that there's something outside of me that is going to support me as I stand in my faith.
Honestly, I really would say you are. are one of the best examples I've ever met of that. And I am a novice at it, to be honest. And perhaps that's also a conversation for another day.
But when I was in Africa and I see how these children-- I see who I am. And that was the other thing when you said about the fruit.
It's not for you. you to keep. It's not for you to keep. It's for you to give away. And I met Mandela nearly three years ago. He's the guy who runs this orphanage. And I, sorry, was an incredible human being.
But then when I met him and I got to know him, just like you got to know me, I got to know you. I know him, but then being with him, I thought this person is someone who exemplifies a life of service.
His life and his brother dedicated dedicated to giving to others so With where I am right now and knowing who I am. I'm so Inspired to give more to them to give more to them as they give more to others It sounds like a cliche again,
but it's like what a beautiful thing to be a part of and I know I've also spoken to you About that and asking you to to support me and support them.
But I just also want to make the point, in March this year, you and I will meet again as we will be presenting together and talking about this, and well, how did that happen? We will be talking to a room full of people in Los Angeles and we'll be talking about this whole,
did we make that happen or did, what part did we play in making that happen? I think we were intentional and the more intentional we've become, the more... I am being rewarded by that and that's where I want to stand more and more because it's a better way of moving through the world.
Less stress, less worry, less doubt, less anxiety. I am supported by something bigger than myself. No, I love that. I love that. So brand authorship then,
we're speaking from the same. We're singing the same song but we've just got slightly different song sheets. sheets and that's okay yeah because if it if we're singing in time and we get it this notion that fruit is something that we all being given we're all tasked to give away you could call it generosity gratitude you know your purpose driven self I think that's universal irrespective of faith then there's the
exchange and showing good empathy and integrity with others not always easy. I know my journey in life I've said and done the most ridiculous things that haven't been in pursuit of respect of others.
It's been really survival of self. And that's what brought me into this space, being the first place is looking at the challenge for people, particularly in the spotlight.
spotlight, who, you know, if you think about the 27 Club, people that there's a gap between who they really are and where people see they are.
So if they're particularly in this digital space, when people are perceived as successful, they're actually defined by that success. But the individual knows there's more to them. And I think part of the podcast and me agreeing to work with you on this is...
it's been such a blessing, is I said to you, it was an opportunity for people to know you completely. Because you had this scenario, "Ray, what do I do? I'm a coach, a motivational speaker,
I'm an author, and a missile has just blown my life upside down." I said, "Well, that's good. Invite people on to the site to see the damage,
just to kind of express that." through the debris, through the devastation, that there is hope and there's reconstruction going on,
because there's parts of your life that aren't susceptible to just a missile hitting them turn them upside down. And I think your living example is more powerful than the average person,
because, you know, what you've gone through isn't something that everyone... can bear. And some people, what's extraordinary by example is your commitment to creating fruit through what you've been blessed with,
the love you've received, you're extending out to others. What would you say, because it's come to mind, that we can talk about your dear parents who have passed as well,
and Hannah, there's love there. there. What about individuals listeners just right now that can say, well, that sounds fine for Pete. Because yeah, he's had a vine and he's been fed positively and you read your parents have been over.
Yeah, lucky you. Then what do we say to people that haven't had that? Because what I don't ever want to do is to give this kind of beautiful, visceral,
because they still have received something. No, I would say that if you've not received positivity from people and you recognize that wasn't right, they're in lies, something of potential,
because you know you want to go in a different direction. But what are your thoughts about that to those listeners who may have had trauma and challenge in their past? I think it's obviously good to talk and to be able to stop,
which again is a key part of what we've been talking about for months about is just to stop and stay. back and be curious. You know, it's easy for me to have empathy like never before when you see children,
100 children, 100 + children, who are orphaned and you listen to their stories, which I did, to be humbled by other people's situations.
But something magical happens when people come together. in the spirit of love and actually that charity that has run is called God in Action and it's a Christian -based charity and I was talking to Mandela about this,
about to me God in Action is just love in action, to be loving to oneself and to know that it's okay to feel traumatized,
it's okay to feel lost but there is hope. I think there's always hope, you know, I don't know where that comes from, but humans have overcome so much and that's why I think we love the stories that we hear,
whether it's Victor Franco or Nelson Mandela or whoever has found themselves in a situation that was really difficult. And I have seen that through overcoming, there is the opportunity to become,
to become more than where you were. So this is something that we will continue to to discuss, but as we bring this to an end and keeping and keeping the same, we would keep this to 2%.
Once again, Ray and myself welcome you to participate with this conversation. However you want to reach out to us through the podcast channel,
through My365 or whether you reach out to us on LinkedIn, we would love to continue this. This isn't a conversation that's going to end. It's a continuation. continuation. So I wonder if you had any final words,
Dr. Ray, before you go off to church with your family this morning. - Yeah, I would say that for those and Pete, let's be honest in our conversation,
when this thing came up and go, "We can do that for a week or two." And I just finished a series of my church where someone had talked about one, wasn't even a chapter.
It was a series of areas and it was extended on for six to nine months because when you really want to delve into the nuances of just our identity or our friendships there's so much data there so this this notion of who and where I believe if anyone is a first -time list if they go back through they will see this incremental growth from the beginning and through that that,
there's been an opportunity for you to share fruit at a time when people would have thought that your branch was bare. In fact, it was falling off. So that reversal is an example.
And I'm going to share this with you here, acronym from our conversation, which is RESL. So it sounds like RESL. And RESL stands for "we receive,
exchange, and so" or "seed", sorry, "love". So you've received love from the past, from Hannah, your family,
others. You exchange love with people in your current tense, that's your commitment, that's your mission. But you're at the same time sowing your planting seeds into the ground,
in love, hope. hope, and optimism into your future self. And that means life's a wrestle. Obviously it's not a way we spell wrestle. In fact, it might be some light relief for people that it actually felt like it sounds.
RESL, so that was seeded between you and our conversation and for anyone out there, that life is a wrestle every day. So if your reception of love in the past isn't one that's similar to Pete or mine,
that's your year. unique journey. And if you've had trauma, you may be saying, "Because I didn't receive." Because the receiving is what did you receive and what do you want to do with that reception? You could have received lots of love or not a lot of love,
but now you have the responsibility recognized that you can exchange love in a positive way with self and others. But most importantly, I think Pete, following on from you, is that you have an optimism for the future and you'll see it.
because that will germinate and grow because it will happen in your life if you want to make that part of your commitment you know we are what we think about most of the time and we're really talking about transformation of thinking here and it's possible for everyone so I would land my plane on saying yes let's get people and we I gladly received great comments from people,
but anyone else, take a deep breath, reach out to Pete and I and LinkedIn, however you find us, and we would be honored. And if there's any key themes that we can add into our discussions, we will.
- Yeah, we would love that, we would love that. So Ray, I wanna thank you, enjoy your day today. We will be back very soon with another episode of the Mi365 Podcast with myself and Dr. Ray Sylvester. So for now, take care, my friend. Take care. Until next time.